Yes! This week, I'm going to reveal a fast, risk-free way that YOU, TOO, CAN BECOME AN OVERNIGHT MILLIONAIRE by wheeling and dealing in beachfront real estate. It's easy! It's legal! It's lucrative! And, believe me, you can't lose!

And unlike those clueless lumps at Asbury Partners, people will call you a HERO!

So step right up: The money's here!!

STEP 1. Wait for someone else to negotiate a major deal on the beachfront. This is vital. The first one in gets stuck with massive planning and legal bills. They have to pay oodles in back and current taxes for land that's sitting idle, and they have to kick in hundreds of millions of dollars for lighting, sidewalks, utilities, parking, streetscaping, architects, city professionals, state CAFRA permits, legal challenges, and historic restoration on those giant, neglected boardwalk buildings - all the things you've been smart enough to avoid!

STEP 2. Once the deal gets struck, start buying up individual properties in the beachfront redevelopment zone for large sums of money. The goal here is to strike just ahead of the Master Redeveloper and out-spend them by a mile. Property owners will love you!

STEP 3. Be sure to pick up a key building on every major block: A bar on this corner. A theater over there. An empty go-go lounge here. A paint store at the far end. THIS IS IMPORTANT! You want to ensure that the Master Redeveloper can't begin redevelopment on any significant plot without cutting you in or handing you a bundle of money.

STEP 4. Reopen those long-neglected buildings. This is key: You can make a whole lot more by selling an operating business than an empty building. And if someone else operates that business for you, well, that's just one more person you can claim will be hurt by those heartless redevelopers.

STEP 5. Build your constituency. Here's the fun part! Throw some quick cash at that plain, long-empty and moldy theater. (See HGTV's "Designed to Sell" for low-cost, high-return improvement suggestions.) Start waxing eloquent about its romantic history. Let local theater groups know you'll welcome them in, and get area historical advocates involved. So what if a local publisher claims that only the front wall is worth saving - at least he's making the city council squirm.

(Important hint: Practice in front of a mirror to ensure you can say phrases like "diverse community theatre programming" and "vibrant cultural arts program" without choking up.)

Tell a local gay group that the paint store would make a great home for their new community center. Offer a windowless, rundown club to the long-suffering seniors as a senior center. Just don't go overboard: You may own much nicer properties elsewhere, but the key thing is to fill up those empty beachfront properties with grateful, VOTING constituents!

(Whoa! Misstep! The seniors didn't buy the old club ruse! Oh, well - You can always lean back on the historical angle.)

STEP 6. Look and sound the part. Never - and I mean never! - appear in a suit. That's for those chump Master Redevelopers and their attorneys! Instead, adopt a simple-working-man's uniform of neat jeans and tieless shirt. Earn extra points for grabbing a real estate partner who looks like an artist.

STEP 7. Mess with Asbury Partners' head. Who says you can't have a little fun? Take an empty old building and threaten to convert it into a go-go club. Whoa! That's the last thing they want!

And, yes - the redevelopment plan forbids such uses in the beachfront area, but you and your partner can get around that: Just buy up a former club that was closed after a shooting and go to court, arguing that it's a grandfathered use.

Taking some heat from the community for putting in a sleazy club? That's an easy one: Convert it into a gay bar with male dancers, and even gay opponents will feel pressured to stop complaining.

STEP 8. Get those people to the microphone at city council meetings! Hand out popcorn! Get lots of press! Your property values are going up, up, up!

STEP 9. Get a vocal councilman on your side - preferably one who didn't have to make the hard choices about cleaning up 30 years of beachfront neglect and citywide decay in a bankrupt town.

Warning: Does he also like to advocate about poor people and human-rights? Play down the fact that you had to displace a lot of low-income renters to construct those 89 condominiums you're building. (Oh heck - They were probably all drug dealers anyway!)

STEP 10. Take time to reward yourself. You know you deserve it. You may cry bankruptcy every time the city demands you provide things like adequate parking for your downtown buildings (hey! that's what city tax dollars are for!), but that doesn't mean you can't spend well over one million dollars - cash - for a weekend home in the city.

Besides, there's a bonus: Driving up home prices means you'll get more money for your other properties outside the beachfront area.

STEP 11. Enjoy the fun! You've got the council and the Master Redevelopers hemmed in on every side: It doesn't matter if you develop the real estate or just sell it back for a handy profit. You can't lose!

Best of all, you've got all those beholden residents on your side: Just wait 'til the next election! (Remember: It only takes three sympathetic council members to swing things your way.)

Of course, you have to ensure that no one figures out that every dollar the Master Redeveloper spends in buying back overpriced property or granting you redevelopment concessions is one less dollar that will actually be invested in Asbury Park. But, hey, no one's gonna' speak up if you're helping them or their organization, and EVERYBODY hates Asbury Partners!

STEP 12. What if some loud-mouthed columnist gets on your back? Easy! Just watch this newspaper in the coming few weeks. I'm sure you'll see how to handle her! So now it's time to celebrate your...

HARD-EARNED SUCCESS!! Curl up in that luxurious second home, crack open that champagne, and count your money. You deserve this!

And since you're a member of that idealistic baby boomer generation, you'll probably throw on some classic rock. How about the Beatles' "Magical Mystery Tour"? I recommend Side 2, Track 4. Ready to sing along?

Baby you're a rich man,
Baby you're a rich man
Baby you're a rich man, too....!